Parent: I can see that you have not been able to eat well and sleep for the last few weeks. I am concerned about you as there seems to be something weighing down heavily on your mind. I truly think we should see a mental health professional.
G: This is just how I am. I am fine and I can handle this myself. Therapy is not for me and it won’t help anyway.
Does this sound familiar to you as parents of a teenager? Parents often share a concern that they see certain signs as a red flag and feel that their teen needs therapy but their teenager does not agree to it. The teen often does not see the need for professional support or seems to think that he might manage on his own. This often puts parents in a difficult situation and they are confused about what steps should they take. The teen and parents might both notice constant periods of anger, sadness, fear, anxiety, hopelessness, feeling restless, unable to focus on the task at hand, and yet the teen does not agree to go for therapy and seek professional help. This often leaves parents with questions like: Should I force my child into therapy? Should I bribe him? Should I forget about the idea of therapy? Parents are often at a loss to find the right answer and also wonder how they should bring up the topic of therapy with their teens and discuss it with them.
The solution to all of these requires the parents to delve inwards and begin with one reflection- What I think about therapy and what is my point of view about it. If parents view therapy as something that has a stigma attached to it, the teen is likely to view it in the same light. Our attitude about therapy as parents is also likely to affect our teen’s outlook. If we as parents look at therapy as a tool to fix a problem, our teens would probably see themselves as the problem or someone who is responsible for creating the problem. This affects their self-confidence and can bring in strong resistance to therapy.
As a first step, it is important to understand why your teenager is resisting therapy. Often they have some distorted idea of what therapy is all about which they may have formed on the basis of something they have seen in the media or they may have had an unpleasant previous experience with therapy. There are times when they worry about the confidentiality of the process or the consequences of sharing their innermost thoughts with a stranger. It could also be that they do not want to talk about things that hurt their feelings. They may feel like no one will understand them. While there may be many reasons for our teen’s refusal of therapy, there is one and only one reason for us as parents to suggest therapy for them and that is to see them happy and to learn healthy coping skills to navigate through life situations. Forcing the teen is anyways not a good option as they already feel being controlled or see it as a loss of their power. Anything which is imposed on them without their own will is already less likely to be effective and they do not feel motivated to change.
So what can we do as parents to melt away this resistance of our teens towards therapy? An important first step would be to let go of the power struggle with our teens. Helping them understand that we are in this together takes the pressure off our teens, and makes them feel that as parents we also need help to learn what is the best way to support them. Also validating their feelings goes a long way in melting away their resistance. When they feel understood and their feelings are acknowledged, they are more likely to respond to our suggestion for getting into therapy. If they still do not agree, avoid forcing them or threatening them as this is only going to make the power struggle even worse. In such a scenario, you may consider going to the therapist on your own. This gives you the help to support them in their way forward. Also, when teens see this happening, they are more likely than not to dissolve their resistance to therapy.
Last but not least it is important that as parents we do not share any misinformation with our teens. They will understand things with good clarity in due course of time and if parents have shared any distorted facts with them, the teens are not likely to develop a strong trust for all future transactions. In spite of our best intentions, they may doubt us and not believe in us due to their previous experiences. Let’s keep things as transparent with our teens as we can, taking care that we share things with them in an age-appropriate manner. This will not only foster a strong bond and trust between parents and teens but will also go a long way in reducing their resistance to your suggestions.