A few months back when the Swiss tennis player Roger Federer announced his retirement from professional tennis, we saw the tennis star and his co-players getting emotional and expressing their heartfelt feelings. There were a range of emotions expressed by each and every person present during the final match, the player himself, his family, co-players, the spectators. Almost everyone present there was emotional and understandably so. The best part was that people were not shying away from expressing their feelings, whether they were tears of joy, sadness, difficulty in accepting the change, everyone was expressing their feelings without any inhibitions.
This made me wonder how many of us are comfortable with expressing our feelings. Do we keep our feelings to ourselves due to a fear of being judged or we avoid expressing our feelings as we have been conditioned to think that it is not ok to do so. Sometimes we keep their feelings to ourselves in an effort to appear ‘strong’. While some of us may not be comfortable expressing our feelings, the fact is that we still ‘feel’ deeply. It can be a result of environmental pressure that we sometimes refrain from expressing our feelings or at times we shy away from being vulnerable. It could also be that during our growing up years we have learnt to believe that expressing our emotions is not safe. Of course, there are always exceptions to this. But it has been a common observation that at times we tend to avoid talking about difficult feelings and emotions.
Whatever may be the reason for not being expressive about our feelings, research shows that keeping difficult feelings bottled up can have a detrimental effect on our mental and physical health. It can lead to high stress levels which in turn can cause disruptive sleep patterns, frequent headaches, racing heartbeat, inability to concentrate, anxiety, memory problems, loneliness and isolation. Not expressing our feelings also indicates that we keep them suppressed which can lead to a high level of emotional distress and eventually emotional outbursts. It also indicates that we are not communicating our feelings clearly and this can at times lead to strained interpersonal relationships. As a result of not expressing your feelings, people might not know the real ‘you’ and this can lead to feelings of loneliness and not being understood by others.
If you think you are one of those people who hardly express their feelings, it is never too late to begin. As difficult as it might seem, the best way is to start with small simple steps- ‘Say what you mean and mean what you say’. It might feel extremely uncomfortable in the beginning to break the habit of not expressing your feelings, but it is definitely worth the effort. To reduce this discomfort, you may begin by trying to express positive feelings. Once you feel comfortable with this, you may start expressing the more difficult feelings as well. You might observe that once you start expressing your feelings, you feel more connected with others and also with yourself. You will no longer experience the inner turmoil which sometimes arises as a result of being pulled in different directions because you are saying something that is different from what you are actually feeling.
An important step to be able to express your feelings, is to identify and accept them in the first place. It can be confusing at times to identify our feelings and it is absolutely ok to have mixed feelings as well. To overcome this confusion, begin by building up and enriching your feelings vocabulary. The next step would be to accept your feelings without judging yourself. Having done this, begin by expressing yourself to people that you feel more comfortable with. Once you have developed this comfort, you may slowly expand your expression of feelings with more people. Gradually, you will find yourself in a space where you no longer hesitate to express your feelings and for that matter, even the more difficult ones.
By expressing our difficult feelings, we are creating a space in our heart and mind for more positive thoughts and feelings. Let’s not deny ourselves the right to express what we feel. The more we start expressing our feelings, the more we will be in touch with ourselves and will also find it easier to connect with others.