Connecting with your teenagers

 I have often come across parents sharing their concerns regarding their teenagers not being connected to them and maintaining a distance. In such a situation parents are often left wondering what they should be doing to reach out to their teens and make a strong connection with them. It leaves the parents confused as to what should be their approach so that the teens do not maintain a distance from them. Teenagers on the other hand are looking forward to their freedom, learning to make decisions, wanting to make choices on their own. All this leaves them prone to risk- taking behaviours and taking impulsive decisions. So having a close and strong parent-child relationship is more important than ever before during the teenage years. Teens often share that they find their parents to be too interfering and intrusive. As a result, they make their defences even stronger which leads to a virtual wall between them. The key to a strong parent-child relationship in these crucial years lies in good communication between the two. Here’s what parents can do at their end to develop a strong bond with their teens without being too intrusive: - Keep the communication channels open at all times. Make sure that the conversations do not just include the dos’ and don’ts, but give you and your teen an opportunity to know each other better. Make sure you share a few things about yourself. This would create a space for them to share about themselves. Avoid being judgmental when they share. - Appreciate their efforts and you will see how motivated they are to replicate their efforts and will also look forward to inputs from you to make an improvement in areas where it is required. Avoid over appreciating and use appreciation genuinely otherwise it would do more harm than good. - Communicate that you understand their situation, this not only helps them to open up but they also develop a trust in you that goes a long way in strengthening your relationship. - Have regular conversations about the ‘small stuff’ as this will lay the ground for conversations about the ‘heavy stuff’ as and when required. When children know you understand them well, they are likely to open up and share all kinds of things with you. On the other hand, if they feel you would not be able to understand their situation or would speak to them from a one-up position and not as an equal, they tend to hide things. This also does not mean that we do not set boundaries for them. They may not say it but they need their parents to set healthy boundaries and limits for them. - Avoid interrogating them with a series of questions that might make them defensive. Instead, if you have to, ask open- ended questions and respect their opinion. You may share your perspective but do not expect them to follow your advice unless they really want to. After all, no one understands their situation better than them. Having regular conversations with our teens helps in strengthening the parent-child relationship. Believe in their ability to find solutions to their problems and help them think through. It all depends on what we say and how we say it!!